Behind the Mossbeard

A Lyra Visionary Productions Film

DISCLAIMER: This documentary is "based" on a true story. Some names have been changed to protect the innocent, while others have been changed because the narrator was under the influence of glowing mushrooms. Any resemblance to real persons, living, dead, or possessed by cephalopods, is entirely coincidental and borderline miraculous. This record is strictly NON-CANON; any temporal anomalies or logic gaps are the result of Mirrorwind interference.

Episode 1: The Crash Site

"As we stand amidst the smoldering debris of the Kestrel, one can only marvel at the group of survivors. While most mortals would be in a state of shock, the individuals we’ve dubbed 'The Party' appear to be operating on a entirely different frequency—one primarily fueled by a dwarf with an antler headdress and a sack of glowing mushrooms."

[ARCHIVAL FOOTAGE: SUBJECTS ATTEMPTING TO BREATHE THE COLOR ORANGE]

Tadrys Barkeep, The Fallen Kestrel

"I asked them if they wanted water. The big one looked at me and said the water was 'judging his choices.' Then he tried to teach a mushroom how to play the fiddle."

Episode 2: The Botanical Menace

"Our cameras follow the group into the sleepy village of Eastport. What Duncan hoped was a surgical solution became a traveling circus of misunderstood magic and a sentient wooden chest with a taste for expensive stationery."

[B-ROLL: HOST NOTES THE OCTOPUS APPEARS TO BE THE SMARTEST PERSON IN THE SHOT]

Duncan Mayor of Eastport

"But I didn't expect the help to involve a sentient wooden box eating my favorite letter opener. Or the fact that the bard kept trying to 'seduce' the cursed oak trees."

Episode 3: The Bovine Tempest

"In what can only be described as a localized livestock disaster, the subjects proved that while you can't fight magic with logic, you can certainly fight it with four hundred pounds of falling beef."

[WARNING: EXTREME LIVESTOCK TURBULENCE]

Anonymous Foundary Man Local Ranger / Livestock Cleanup Detail

"I've never had to climb a church steeple to rescue a startled heifer because a dwarf got angry at a wizard. It’s unnatural, it is."

Episode 4: The Merfolk Meltdown

"Our production crew barely survived the transition to the Zendrian Sea. Aboard the 'Stubborn Arse', we witnessed a philosophical shift that makes most mid-life crises look like a change in shoe brand. Brogmar Mossbeard has decided that the wild isn't something to talk to—it's something to punch in the throat."

[B-ROLL: SUBJECT PURIFIES THE DECK WITH THE BLOOD OF HIS ENEMIES]

Slippery Pete Crew Member, The Stubborn Arse

"He was just sittin' there. Blood everywhere, bears eatin' fish-people, and he's lookin' all peaceful like he's at a spa. He told me the sea is 'meat'. I don't go near him no more."

Episode 5: The Regret Ritual

"The Frostfeast: a time for joy, frozen fish, and apparently, trauma dumping on a cosmic scale. When a mysterious figure appears in your soup and starts threatening your identity, you know the documentary budget just went up."

[FOOTAGE CORRUPTED BY OMINOUS VIBES]

Kettleback Barnaby Cook, The Stubborn Arse

"I just wanted to serve the fish. Then this fella shows up talkin' about the Mirrorwind and punishment. Now Marta's gone flyin' off like a kite and Muffin's tryin' to fight the clouds. I'm retirin' after this."