DISCLAIMER: This documentary is "based" on a true story. Some names
have been changed to protect the innocent, while others have been changed because
the narrator was under the influence of glowing mushrooms. Any resemblance to real
persons, living, dead, or possessed by cephalopods, is entirely coincidental and
borderline miraculous. This record is strictly NON-CANON; any
temporal anomalies or logic gaps are the result of Mirrorwind interference.
Episode 1: The Crash Site
"As we stand amidst the smoldering debris of the Kestrel, one can only marvel at the
group of survivors. While most mortals would be in a state of shock, the
individuals we’ve dubbed 'The Party' appear to be operating on a entirely different
frequency—one primarily fueled by a dwarf with an antler headdress and a sack of
glowing mushrooms."
[ARCHIVAL FOOTAGE: SUBJECTS ATTEMPTING TO BREATHE THE COLOR ORANGE]
TadrysBarkeep, The Fallen Kestrel
"I asked them if they wanted water. The big one looked at me and said the water
was 'judging his choices.' Then he tried to teach a mushroom how to play
the fiddle."
Episode 2: The Botanical Menace
"Our cameras follow the group into the sleepy village of Eastport. What Duncan
hoped was a surgical solution became a traveling circus of misunderstood magic and
a sentient wooden chest with a taste for expensive stationery."
[B-ROLL: HOST NOTES THE OCTOPUS APPEARS TO BE THE SMARTEST PERSON IN THE SHOT]
DuncanMayor of Eastport
"But I didn't expect the help to involve a sentient wooden box eating my
favorite letter opener. Or the fact that the bard kept trying to 'seduce'
the cursed oak trees."
Episode 3: The Bovine Tempest
"In what can only be described as a localized livestock disaster, the subjects
proved that while you can't fight magic with logic, you can certainly fight it with
four hundred pounds of falling beef."
"I've never had to climb a church steeple to rescue a startled heifer because a
dwarf got angry at a wizard. It’s unnatural, it is."
Episode 4: The Merfolk Meltdown
"Our production crew barely survived the transition to the Zendrian Sea. Aboard the
'Stubborn Arse', we witnessed a philosophical shift that makes most mid-life crises
look like a change in shoe brand. Brogmar Mossbeard has decided that the wild isn't
something to talk to—it's something to punch in the throat."
[B-ROLL: SUBJECT PURIFIES THE DECK WITH THE BLOOD OF HIS ENEMIES]
Slippery PeteCrew Member, The Stubborn Arse
"He was just sittin' there. Blood everywhere, bears eatin' fish-people, and he's
lookin' all peaceful like he's at a spa. He told me the sea is 'meat'. I don't
go near him no more."
Episode 5: The Regret Ritual
"The Frostfeast: a time for joy, frozen fish, and apparently, trauma dumping on a
cosmic scale. When a mysterious figure appears in your soup and starts threatening
your identity, you know the documentary budget just went up."
[FOOTAGE CORRUPTED BY OMINOUS VIBES]
Kettleback BarnabyCook, The Stubborn Arse
"I just wanted to serve the fish. Then this fella shows up talkin' about the
Mirrorwind and punishment. Now Marta's gone flyin' off like a kite and Muffin's
tryin' to fight the clouds. I'm retirin' after this."
Episode 6: The Royal Audience
"As the 'Stubborn Arse' docks at Westport, our intrepid adventurers are met not with
pitchforks, but with a royal guard. It seems word of their... unique methods has
reached the ears of King Edor Braun. What follows is a masterclass in diplomacy,
featuring a berry bush that looks suspiciously like a ranger and a king who
looks like he needs a very long nap."
Gerrant SwiftRoyal Guard, Marterus
"I was told to find the 'Heroes of Eastport'. I found a man who talks to horses,
a warlock who appears to be obsessed with feet, and a berry bush that was
muttering about 'unfinished business'. The King was... impressed. Mostly that
the castle didn't fall down."
Episode 7: The Family Business
"Marterus is a city of layers, and for Brogmar, those layers are made of old wealth
and fresh regret. While his mother suffers from a withering blight, the family
business has been rebranded by a 'friend' who didn't waste a second moving into the
Dennison estate. It's the kind of corporate takeover that usually requires a
contract, but in Lyra, it just requires a missing heir and a lack of conscience."
[ARCHIVAL FOOTAGE: SUBJECT REDISCOVERS THE CONCEPT OF MORTALITY]
Lithen DennisonHerbalist / Sister of the Ghost
"Harry... Brogmar... whatever he calls himself now, he looks like he's been
living in a compost heap. He smells like damp earth and forgotten dreams. And
Polin? Polin has 'Scales of Garten' on every crate in the harbor. It’s like
we never existed."
Episode 8: The Shadow Trade
"The investigation leads our heroes to the 'Abashed Angel' and the 'Rat and the
King'. It turns out the only thing more dangerous than a demon from the Abyss is a
monopoly on merchant routes. While the Thieves' Guild sharpens their knives, the
party sharpens their... well, their ability to be extremely conspicuous in a
high-class establishment."
TreynorMerchant / Professional Skeptic
"They came in pretending to be Lords. The one in the robes kept staring at
everyone's boots, and the giant dwarf-goliath nearly knocked over a case of
fine silk. They asked about Polin Garten like they were looking for a lost
puppy. A very dangerous, very muddy lost puppy."
Episode 9: The Legend of Ithak'var
"In the dusty corners of a rare bookshop, the group uncovers the truth behind the
'Crooked Man'. Ithak'var, the shepherd of countless faces—a demon so terrifying
that even the history books tried to forget him. The Mirrorwind is coming, and it
isn't just a bit of a breeze. It's the end of everything."
[B-ROLL: SUBJECTS ATTEMPT TO READ ANCIENT TEXTS WITHOUT SPILLED TEA]
"I told them of the heroes—Aurelius Vane, Kaelen Moonwhisper, Bram Ironfoot,
Sariel, Thorvus Marshall, and Valerius Thorne. The ones who wove the roots
of the world to bind the darkness. The dwarf just nodded and asked if the
roots were edible. We are facing the apocalypse, and I’m fairly certain
they’re planning to brew it into a tea."
